Episode [367]- Food That Looks Better Than It Tastes-- December 28, 2023

The podcast that forgot he wasn't yelling welcome at the top of podcasts anymore and did it again anyway.

Participants

• Ian Karmel: had a literary erection the entire time he was writing his book, taking it to City Winery locations across the northeast
• Sean Jordan: possibly saw the Bloods at the Clackamas Town Center
• David Gborie: dreams about McDoubles, has been burned by swordfish four or five times now
• Brad Williams: gets fooled by bacon-wrapped hot dogs every time

Draft Order This week's winner of Rock, Paper, Scissors is Sean, scissors against two papers — a natural victory.

Serpentine explanation:

 "It's like that game, shoot the duck. You know, at the fair, and it goes across and then you shoot it, and it stops for a second, it turns around. And then it stops and it goes back — it just goes back and forth."

Draft Order:

1.  David 
2. Sean 
3. Brad  
4. Ian

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Round 1

Pick 1.1 | David Gborie | McDonald's Quarter Pounder 

Pick 1.2 | Sean Jordan | Peeps 

Pick 1.3 | Brad Williams | Fajitas 

Pick 1.4 | Ian Karmel | Red Delicious Apple

Round 2

Pick 2.1 | Ian Karmel | Thanksgiving Turkey 

Pick 2.2 | Brad Williams | Turkey Leg at the Renaissance Fair 

Pick 2.3 | Sean Jordan | Baklava 

Pick 2.4 | David Gborie | Swordfish

Round 3

Pick 3.1 | David Gborie | Jell-O Salad 

Pick 3.2 | Sean Jordan | Runts 

Pick 3.3 | Brad Williams | Grapefruit 

Pick 3.4 | Ian Karmel | Cakes That Look Like Stuff (Fondant Cakes)

Round 4

Pick 4.1 | Ian Karmel | Star Fruit 

Pick 4.2 | Brad Williams | Bananas Foster 

Pick 4.3 | Sean Jordan | Sushi 

Pick 4.4 | David Gborie | Zucchini Bread

Round 5

Pick 5.1 | David Gborie | Vienna Sausages 

Pick 5.2 | Sean Jordan | TGI Friday's Frozen Buffalo Wings 

Pick 5.3 | Brad Williams | Bacon-Wrapped Hot Dog (Outside L.A. Stadiums) 

Pick 5.4 | Ian Karmel | Turkish Delight

Producer's Pick Isaac Lee | Eggs Benedict

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Quotes From This Episode

• "It looks like the platonic ideal of a burger. It looks like what they're eating in Riverdale." — David Gborie (on the Quarter Pounder)
• "It looks like a wizard would give it to you before an important quest." — Ian Karmel (on star fruit)
• "Sushi looks like Chris Hemsworth to me. Tastes like Steve Buscemi." — Sean Jordan

Episode [366] - Candy Bars - December 21, 2023

credit: u/AdSpare2727

 The episode that has a hard out

Participants

Ian Karmel: Might have to go crazy here

Sean Jordan: In a basement somewhere cooking up blackmarket Crunch bars

David Gborie: Is a triangle offense guy

Roy Wood Jr.: Used to sell chips

Serpentine Explanation

A three-man weave (Given by David)

Draft Order

David Gborie paper against two scissors

sets the draft order as:

David

Sean

Roy 

Ian

Round 1

Pick 1.1 | David Gborie | Almond Joy

Pick 1.2 | Sean Jordan | Snickers

Pick 1.3 | Roy Wood Jr | Twix

Pick 1.4 | Ian Karmel | Take 5

Round 2

Pick 2.1 | Ian Karmel | Butterfinger

Pick 2.2 | Roy Wood Jr | 100 Grand Bar 

Pick 2.3 | Sean Jordan | Caramelo

Pick 2.4 | David Gborie | Nestle Crunch

Round 3

Pick 3.1 | David Gborie | Hershey’s Cookies & Cream

Pick 3.2 | Sean Jordan | Toblerone 

Pick 3.3 | Roy Wood Jr | White Chocolate Kit Kat

Pick 3.4 | Ian Karmel | Tony’s Chocolonely 

Round 4

Pick 4.1 | Ian Karmel | Andes Mint 

Pick 4.2 | Roy Wood Jr | Baby Ruth 

Pick 4.3 | Sean Jordan | Salted Nut Roll 

Pick 4.4 | David Gborie | Whatchamacallit

Round 5

Pick 5.1 | David Gborie | Reese’s Fast Break 

Pick 5.2 | Sean Jordan | Twin Bing

Pick 5.3 | Roy Wood Jr | Milky Way

Pick 5.4 | Ian Karmel | Heath Bar

Producer’s Pick 

Isaac Lee | 3 Musketeers 

Honorable Mention

Zero Bar, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups; 

Episode [365]- The Suburbs- December 14, 2023

The podcast whose guest is mostly open-mic-er these days.

Participants

Ian Karmel: Claims mailbox money is still incredibly wet.

Sean Jordan: Living in his old bedroom surrounded by angel posters.

David Gborie: Reminiscing about fights and chaos at the Chinese Man Theater parking lot.

Shane Torres: Touring comedian and “The Blue-Eyed Mexican.”

Draft Order

This week’s winner of Rock, Paper, Scissors is Sean Jordan.

Serpentine explanation:

Like putting mustard on a Chicago glizzy — starting at the bottom and zig-zagging your way to the top.

Sean sets the draft order as:

Shane

Sean

David

Ian

⸻

Round 1

Pick 1.1 | Shane Torres | Petty vandalism

Pick 1.2 | Sean Jordan | Chain restaurants

Pick 1.3 | David Gborie | Mom beefs

Pick 1.4 | Ian Karmel | Getting drunk at chain restaurants

⸻

Round 2

Pick 2.1 | Ian Karmel | Parks at night

Pick 2.2 | David Gborie | Holiday decorations

Pick 2.3 | Sean Jordan | Small summer festivals

Pick 2.4 | Shane Torres | Going into the city as a teenager

⸻

Round 3

Pick 3.1 | Shane Torres | Finding a crooked convenience store that sells booze

Pick 3.2 | Sean Jordan | Slower driving

Pick 3.3 | David Gborie | Bands that only play suburban venues

Pick 3.4 | Ian Karmel | Well-stocked pantries

⸻

Round 4

Pick 4.1 | Ian Karmel | The one independent coffee shop

Pick 4.2 | David Gborie | Hanging out in parking lots

Pick 4.3 | Sean Jordan | Bowling / entertainment complexes

Pick 4.4 | Shane Torres | Driving by friends doing chores and roasting them

⸻

Round 5

Pick 5.1 | Shane Torres | Getting drunk in a garage and staying up until the donut shop opens

Pick 5.2 | Sean Jordan | Booze cruising

Pick 5.3 | David Gborie | MILFs and DILFs

Pick 5.4 | Ian Karmel | Active construction sites

⸻

Notable Quotes

“San Francisco? With Nancy Pelosi?”-- Shane Torres

“Why would they put calorie counts on the menu at the Cheesecake Factory?"-- Ian Karmel

“If all bagels cost the same price, that’s socialism.”-- Ian Karmel

Episode [364] - Foods We Ate When We Were Broke - December 7, 2023

Credit:  AdSpare2727

The episode that knows the differences between blimps, zeppelins, dirigibles, and airships

Participants

Ian Karmel: Has never watched stand-up comedy

Sean Jordan: Has been given shit for laughing too early

Shane Torres: Florence Pugh defends his feet on podcasts 

Sam Evans: Baller on a budget

Serpentine Explanation

It’s like when you’re ripping ass around the lake on a jetski. 

Draft Order

Shane Torres (natural/unnatural unknown)

Shane Torres sets the draft order as:

Ian

Sam

Shane

Sean

Round 1

Pick 1.1 | Ian Karmel | Totino’s Party Pizza with sriracha and ranch

Pick 1.2 | Sam Evans | Wendy’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger (3 for $3)

Pick 1.3 | Shane Torres | Purloined chicken fried steak from the restaurant where he worked

Pick 1.4 | Sean Jordan | El Monterey microwave burritos

Round 2

Pick 2.1 | Sean Jordan | Hormel chili 

Pick 2.2 | Shane Torres | Ill-gotten chicken finger from a customer’s order

Pick 2.3 | Sam Evans | Cereal, specifically Cocoa Krispies

Pick 2.4 | Ian Karmel | Land O’ Frost turkey

Round 3

Pick 3.1 | Ian Karmel | 7-eleven Big Gulp cup full of nacho cheese

Pick 3.2 | Sam Evans | 5 for $1.25 Chinatown dumplings 

Pick 3.3 | Shane Torres | Day old bakery rack

Pick 3.4 | Sean Jordan | Plaid Pantry jerky & “cheese” packs

Round 4

Pick 4.1 | Sean Jordan | Instant mashed potatoes 

Pick 4.2 | Shane Torres | MREs 

Pick 4.3 | Sam Evans |  Rice, cheese & hot sauce

Pick 4.4 | Ian Karmel | Quesadillas 

Round 5

Pick 5.1 | Ian Karmel | big ol’ bag of spinach

Pick 5.2 | Sam Evans | His roommate’s clementines 

Pick 5.3 | Shane Torres | 2 for $1 Jack in the Box tacos

Pick 5.4 | Sean Jordan | Little Debbie snack cakes

Producer’s Pick 

Isaac Lee | NYC $1 slice pizza 

Quotes From This Episode

“It’s a big place, YouTube.” -Sean Jordan

“I don’t give a fuck if my surgeon knows his way around a potato.” -Ian Karmel 

“If you comment ‘soft taco’ you’ll see Sean’s ‘husband's bulge.’” -Shane Torres

“I’m Hollywood’s last bad boy, dude, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m doing lines of Grape Nuts in the Rainbow Room, dude, fuckin’ 1:00pm.” -Ian Karmel